in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
