dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
