why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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