Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
