I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I could fuck to npr.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
