im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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