Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
