dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
