I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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