If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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