an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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