Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
