When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
