You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
