dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
