We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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