oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
