this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
