I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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