Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
