My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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