I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
