This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
