i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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