sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
