I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
