Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
