There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
