Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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