He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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