I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
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