there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
They took my balls.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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