thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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