You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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