I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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