I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
