Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
