She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
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