Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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