I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
