you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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