i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
