mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
