grandma shit on top of the toilet
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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