dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
