Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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