i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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