It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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