Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
