I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
