I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Randomize
