i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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