I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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