just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
