so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
