nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
