I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
