Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
