He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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